It’s the first day of Spaderotica week… Oh, my beloved Secretary. Where do I even begin?

I’m running behind on these posts because I had been preparing for an amazing bonus episode of the pod in which my buddy Michael and I INTERVIEWED THE DIRECTOR AND WRITERS OF TEENAGE BONNIE AND KLEPTO CLYDE!!!!! (a movie I am obsessed with), and I was on a SECOND podcast about it too and it was this whole THING that took up a lot of mental energy. But that’s over now so I can get back to these little thought processes and I’ll link all that other stuff later.

I’m not sure who I identify with more in Secretary. The sad and closed-off Lee, who loves too much, who hurts to feel a sense of release, who yearns to be loved and understood? The frightened and tense E. Edward Grey, who is ambivalent in his desire for Lee— at the same time scared of and infuriated by and lustfully adoring her?

Hard to say.

Years ago I wrote an essay* comparing the themes of this movie to my own sordid and dangerous sexual history and desire. I won’t link it here, but I did touch upon my favorite parts of Secretary and how it felt nice to be seen all those years ago via this silly little indie film that has gotten way too meme-y for my liking.

There’s two very specific parts of this movie that I love. The first is after Grey’s initial spanking of Lee, hovering over her bent body, right when he collapses onto her. It’s Lee’s gentle move right here, a brief moment of connection in an otherwise denigrating act of dominance over her:

And the other is when Lee is at his his desk, refusing to move because he asked her not to, soiling herself in a borrowed wedding gown. He watches her from outside, at the window, and whispers to himself, “Lee, I’m very fond of you as well.” That’s love, baby!

How wonderful it is, to have someone who is fond of you. How wonderful it is to be seen by someone who won’t flinch when you ask them to hurt you. What a wonderful dream, to fall so in love.

May it all find us.

Yes, it’s on Tubi, but beware: the cover they use looks like something out of that book that wished it was this movie.

*I also wrote a novel about this very thing.

** Lee’s mother in this movie is named Joan Holloway and I thought that was fun!