Dream Lover is one of those movies where both leads are probably the hottest people you’ve ever seen in your entire sad and ugly life, but the movie hinges a little too much on you being distracted by how hot they are and by the time it’s over you realize it wasn’t all that great.

Not that it’s bad, per se. It’s not. It’s just also not great.

Dream Lover is an erotic thriller (I guess? It’s erotic, sure, and it’s a thriller, sure, but I don’t know if it’s an erotic thriller. To me that’s a different thing!) about a man named Ray (!) who of course is the hottest man in existence but still can’t get a woman (he’s divorced) for some reason and has to resort to a blind date. Not that there’s anything wrong with blind dates. I’ve never been on a blind date, and to be honest I’ve never been on any date. Like, with another person, to get to know them. I don’t know what that’s like. Anyway on this bad date he spills his wine all over this bitch named Lena (Mädchen Amick, hot off the Twin Peaks presses) who berates him for it and he’s like what the actual fuck is your problem, lady! Calm down. He then runs into her at the market and she says sorry for her psychopathy and they fuck and get married and have a baby. Fair enough. I also don’t see red flags.

After a stretch of happiness and two kids he starts to notice things like people call her by completely different names and she doesn’t seem to know about the school she claims she went to, which reminds me that I meant to go down that rabbit hole of that woman who was faking going to school to be a PA because if you know me you know there’s nothing I love more than someone who fakes a bunch of shit on the Internet. I suspected an account of being a catfish for YEARS and then this year it turned out she was and I had never felt more vindicated. Anyway this stuff really starts to disturb Ray, who goes to see Lena’s yokel parents who he had never met before and never thought to wonder why. He meets her hot long haired white trash ex boyfriend who is very, I need to stress this, hot in a different way than James Spader. But it takes Ray years to put all this together and sure I guess but also?????

Then it turns out Lena has orchestrated everything about their relationship so he would fall in love with her and get all his money after framing him for abuse and here’s the thing. This all seems like too much effort. Half the time I don’t want to get out of bed. I have somewhere to be at in five hours and I haven’t even decided if I want to wear the classy dress or the dress that dumps my tits out in everyone’s face. I’m not orchestrating a years-long deception with multiple participants and elaborate bruising. That’s just too much!!

I do like the ending of this movie and I don’t want to spoil it for anyone who, in the off chance they’re actually reading this, wants to watch it on their own. But we do get this amazing pic of James in a hospital gown that’s pretty fun.

Anyway, that’s Dream Lover, a movie that is, indeed, on Tubi. It was fine. One more write up and I’m caught up!!!