Oh boy, am I gonna be in trouble when I post my honest thoughts about this one. Wooo boy.

I know I went on record saying that White Palace was the best Spader ever looked in a movie, but this has to be second (if not extremely, painfully tied). LOOK AT HIM. LOOK AT THAT FUCKASS BLEACH JOB. I WILL CHEW MY OWN VEINS OUT OF MY WRISTS.

I think this movie may have been tailor-made for me. First of all, it has Tom goddamn Atkins in it. Did you know that once Tom Atkins very tenderly touched my face? Well he did and I almost died on the spot. I LOVE Tom Atkins. I would die for him!!!!

Tom Atkins plays Lori Laughlin and that other dude’s dad. He dies pretty fast though and that’s a bummer. Then Abby (Lori) and her brother who for some reason is named Loren have to go live at their weird uncle’s home in Florida, where he is trying to open a theme park. What’s the themes, you may ask? Goddamn SANTA CLAUS, another one of my niche interests!

Abby and Loren are the new kids in town, hence the movie title. And they immediately attract the attention of the bad boys (yet another movie where the bad kids are for some reason still at school every day), including Spader as “Dutra”, which I guess is his last name or something. I dunno. The bad kids even have a pitbull they’re training for dog fighting. Florida, I guess!

Ok now look. I’ve been open about the problematic nature of my relationship to uh…hm. You know, the rough stuff. How can I put this without being thrown in the slammer? Ah, fuck it. This dude is bad news in shoes and I would absolutely get right in the back of that van and let him decapitate me with a pickaxe. It would be my honor, really!!! Let me do this for you!

James Spader really hams it up in this. He’s sneering, he’s clenching his jaw, he’s threatening all sorts of terrible things and it’s doing it for me at every turn. There is one scene where Loren breaks into Dutra’s house and he’s just sleeping on top of all his sheets in a bikini bottom and then Loren ties him up and the shot is so cock-forward that I had to put a pillow over my face. They knew what they were making here: a movie for Kolleen to salivate over forty years later. Thanks, team!

I do want to mention that whoever was editing the Wikipedia for this movie got real into it. Here’s some choice quotes:

In a fistfight, Loren throws Gideon on the tracks of the roller coaster in time for the cars to decapitate the horrid, vicious thug.

*

Loren forces the flame into Dutra’s face, setting the fiend on fire and killing him.

Very dramatic!

Anyway, at the risk of sounding even more like a freak than I already am, this is a fun little romp. It’s got everything I need in a movie: Santa, Tom Atkins, a blond JS threatening someone who should be me with a good time… if you want to reenact some of this movie please call me.

Who am I kidding. No one ever wants to match my freak.

Not on Tubi… guess you’ll just have to buy it.